Taxonomic Ranks of the Genus, Conservative B.S.

Taxonomic Ranks of the Genus, Conservative B.S.
by Rena Silverman

Kingdom: Animalia
Phylum: Chordata
Order: Primates?
Class: Mamalia
Family: the Grand Old Party
Genus: Conservative Bullsh*t

Species: Homo Rapturefarians
Subspecies: Bible Thumpers, Christian Taliban, Hypo-Christians, the Rapture Right
Habitat: Applebee’s
Description: Religious fundamentalists and Christian Evangelicals eagerly awaiting the Rapture and the End Times so that they may ascend to heaven and leave all us Godless, liberal heathens behind.

Species: Enronomists:
Subspecies: Corporate-Jet Conservatives, Country-Club Republicans, Corporate Criminals
Habitat: Upper East Side of Manhattan, wealthy Maryland suburbs, minimum-security jails.
Description: Conservative übercapitalists and apologists for big businesses who believe that trickle-down economics works wonders, job outsourcing is good for America and large-scale fraud is simply an “accounting innovation.”

Species: Big Brethren:
Subspecies: Hatriots, Digital Brownshirts, Chicken-Hawks, Keyboard Kommandos
Habitat: talk radio airwaves, online forums trolled by like-minded bottom feeders, the Attorney Generals office
Description: Militant, chest-pounding überpatriots and authoritarian neofascists who believe war is peace, freedom is slavery, ignorance is resilience and 2 +2 =whateverDickCheneysays.

Species: Gunfederates
Subspecies: Angry white men, rednecks, anti-Washington assholes
Habitat: Rural backwater, every trailer you’ve ever seen
Description: rednecks with confederate flags on their pickup trucks, known to carry concealed weapons as a last line of defense against liberal intellects, and any other would-kinda-be-a-terrorist type from the Northeast. They are often seen hunting the Bill of Rights.

Species: Spongebobophobes
Subspecies: Traditional-Value’s Voters, White Bread, Culture Warriors
Habitat: Suburbs and exurbs containing no less than a twenty to one ratio of white Christians to Ethinics and/or homosexuals. They are often seen covering up partially-naked statues with $10,000 drapes.
Description: Descended from the Teletubssessive Compulsives, these social conservatives are on the front line of the Culture War. Fiercely committed to fighting the liberal gay agenda, the Spongebobophobe is widely known for its marked fear that the nation’s children are taking sexual cues from a talking sponge instead of say, Paris Hilton.

Species: Crusadeomasochists
Subspecies: Bush Administration Officials, Halliburton Executives, The Weekly Standard Readers
Habitat: Secret White House locations, Iraq bus-tours from which they tout good news about peace and serenity
Description: Imperialistic neocons who hatch foreign policy schemes according to the stragtegic principles of games like Risk.

 

 

Other Conservative Species Who Pretend to Be Homo Sapiens

Evanbushicals: Conservatives who believe it is their divine right to be governed by Bushes.

Texabitionists: Glad-handing, Cowboy hatted neoconquistadors who want to transform the rest of America in to a suburb of Dallas-Fort Worth.

Fox Trotters: Self-explanatory.

NASCARcrats: Slack-jawed, beer-soaked yahoos who drive as much endless amusement from taunting spineless Liberal pansies as they do from watching cars drive round and round and round in circles.

Anti-DC-stablishmentarians: Anti-Washington states rights Liberatarian Conservatives who love to rail against the federal government when they’re not busy cashing their farm subsidies or feasting on Federal Pork.

 

Tags: "Rena Silverman", bush, conservative, genus, phylum